dating with an avoidant attachment style

If you search for information on dating and avoidant attachment styles, you'll find plenty of articles on how to tell if your partner has an avoidant attachment style and what to do about it, but very little is written for someone who is avoidantly attached themselves. This might be because those who are more preoccupied with their relationships are more likely to seek out information about what's going on and what to do about it. It might also speak to the ways that avoidant attachment is villainized as hurtful and deliberate behavior by those who are afraid of commitment. This villainization is not true. 

If you have an avoidant attachment style, know that your avoidant behaviors arose in the first place as an adaptive response to your environment—they were a way to keep you safe in times of uncertainty and disconnection. They were protective at a time when distance in close relationships was beneficial to you. 

Avoidant attachment is characterized by avoidance of intimacy or the deprioritization of close relationships. It might show up as a resistance to deepening intimacy in relationships, a pattern of losing interest in new partners after a few weeks, a desire to be overly self-reliant, or a tendency to dismiss both your own and your partner's emotions. This avoidance is not necessarily a conscious decision to pull away or repress emotions, as much as it is an automatic response. 

If you've noticed these patterns in yourself, along with a desire for increased intimacy in your life, here are some ideas for managing these reactions when dating: 

1. Notice when you are creating distance in your relationships in your mind. 

This behavior is referred to as a "deactivating strategy" and can serve to keep connections at arms-length and dismiss the significance of the relationship. It might look like recurrent thoughts about how your current partner doesn't meet your standards for an ideal partner, repressing your desire to be loved and secure in relationships, overly focusing on a trait in your partner that you find fault with, or reminding yourself of all of the perks of single life. When this happens, notice it and name it for what it is. It's ok, and it's not an immediate problem to fix. Turn your attention back to your immediate environment, sensations in your body, and the task at hand. Check out this instagram post from @thelovingavoidant for more detailed information about deactivation strategies. 

2. Move at a pace that feels comfortable for you.

If you find yourself in a familiar pattern of talking to someone for several weeks, then becoming overwhelmed by their desire for closeness or losing interest quickly, consider rethinking your dating pace. How much time in your week do you want to prioritize for new partners, and how much do you want to keep for yourself, your friends, your hobbies, and other interests? Think about what works best for you (and it's ok if this changes) and be upfront about it. Clear communication about your needs and boundaries can go a long way in helping you both feel secure in your budding relationship. 

3. Increase your distress tolerance. 

There's no shortage of things that can cause distress when dating. Vulnerability can be cringy. Longing can be intense. If uncomfortable feelings make you want to turn away and shut down from other people, learning how to regulate your nervous system can help you to both feel safe and stay connected to others. Over time, you'll learn to trust your ability to tolerate discomfort and soothe yourself. When you notice discomfort that makes you want to disconnect from others:

• Pause and check in with yourself. Close your eyes and notice the sensations in your body. Name the feeling (name it to tame it), take a deep breath, and release. 

• Move your body. This is a great way to release energy and dispel discomfort. Take a walk, jump up and down, wiggle your fingers and toes—whatever is accessible to you at the moment. Focus on the physical sensations and remind yourself you're safe in your body as you do it. 

• Offer yourself gentle touch. Place your hands over your heart, or place one hand over your heart and one hand on the side of your face. Self-touch can help your nervous system regulate back to a place of calm. 

• If the feelings are too intense to sit with, distract yourself. Watch your favorite show or scroll through your favorite feel-good social media account. Bonus points if it can make you laugh. 

4. Take space when you need it.

It's healthy and normal to want time alone and to maintain your independence while in a committed relationship. It can also be scary to tell someone new that you need more space for fear of how they might react. Don't force yourself into doing things you don't want to do or into having conversations that you're not ready to have. The important thing is to communicate this to the other person rather than pull away or act cold to create distance. It's totally valid to say things like "I'm not ready to talk about this yet. Let's circle back in a couple of weeks," or "I can't commit to any plans this week, but I do want to see you and will make some time to hang out next week." Honoring your own needs for space and the other person's bids for connection is a win-win. 

5. Tell your inner critic to f*ck off.

Sometimes we hold harmful beliefs about ourselves and others that keep connections at bay. Thoughts like "others will only disappoint me," "I'm too difficult to be loved," or "this feeling means I'm weak" can convince us that the risk involved in forming loving relationships just isn't for us. Our inner critics are sneaky, so sneaky that we might not notice that what they're saying isn't true. If you notice yourself thinking a thought like this, call out your inner critic and talk back to it. "Thanks for trying to protect me, but I don't need your commentary right now; I've got this" could be a good place to start. To go a little deeper, pepper in some self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has written loads on this—check out this YouTube video and browse her website to learn more. 

6. Reflect on the relationships in your life that are secure and interdependent. 

Interdependence is not a dirty word—it's necessary for our survival. It's not possible to be totally self-reliant. We rely on others every day, whether they're friends, family, baristas, coworkers, or the mailman. Notice the relationships you already have that foster feelings of fondness, safety, and connection. Take in moments with others when they respond to you with kindness, when you feel safe to relate authentically, when someone apologizes to right a wrong. Pay attention to these exchanges and be open to the ways they are beneficial to you. You can draw on these experiences to support your capacity for secure connection in intimate relationships. Dr. Rick Hanson expands on this concept in this podcast episode. 

7. Get support.

Navigating the world of dating on your own can be overwhelming. We can all benefit from the support of friends, family, and a licensed professional at times. Talking it out can help with regulating your nervous system, identifying your patterns and triggers, and better understanding yourself and your relational needs. It's also important that you don't blame your attachment style for what is really incompatibility or someone else's inappropriate behavior. Having a trusted person to listen to you and be in it with you can help to ground you in reality and navigate the dating world more securely. I enjoy working with clients to navigate dating while deepening their relationship with their self - building understanding of their own attachment style, communication style and needs in relationship. Contact me here if this sounds like something you’re looking for.