dating with a disorganized attachment style
So, you’re one of the lucky ones who has both anxious and avoidant tendencies when it comes to dating, huh? Lucky you :) You’re rolling your eyes, I know. It makes you sick. It makes you think about giving up altogether on romantic relationships, right? Ok. Well now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get down to business.
Fearful avoidant, or disorganized, attachment is characterized by a mix of both intense desire and intense fear of love. You want it more than anything, but it makes you lose your mind a little bit. With a disorganized attachment, you might notice a preoccupation with relationships - a longing for closeness and intimacy - coupled with an intense fear of rejection or abandonment that causes you to pull away rather than move towards the relationship in question. Hence the name, disorganized - you’re all over the place. This can make dating pretty complicated and not all that fun to engage in.
The good news is that you can move towards earned secure attachment and have great experiences with love and dating. The more challenging news is that you can’t do this without continuing to engage in dating, because relational wounds heal relationally. I know that everyone on social media likes to tell you to love yourself first before trying to date someone else, which yes, is good, but pretty ineffective when it comes to healing attachment wounds. It’s through experiences of love and connection, rupture and repair, that you can learn to date and love in stable and healthy ways. So how do you do this? Here are a few places to start.
Nervous system regulation is going to be your best friend.
Dating can bring up lots of feels, some that are going to feel way out of proportion with the situation at hand. When this happens, you’re going to need to find ways to bring yourself back into balance, whether that’s calming down intense anxiety, fear, and panic, or gently moving through moments when your body freezes, shuts down, or starts numbing out. This is a lifelong process of getting to know yourself and what works best for you. The first step is gaining awareness into your own patterns and how your body responds to stress. Mindfulness and meditation practices are great for this. Therapy helps. And there are more ideas listed below and in the linked articles as to how to do this.
2. Notice when you are obsessing about the relationship.
It’s easy to get swept away in thoughts about an exciting new potential partner when you’re first dating. Some call this “limerence” or “new relationship energy,” but disorganized attachers typically refer to this as “hell.” Obsessing can serve to both activate and de-activate your attachment towards this person. When done with a desire to get closer to the other person, this is referred to as an “activating strategy,” which is described by Levine and Heller in “Attached,” as “any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner.” It might look like imagining a future together, thinking about everything you like about them, or replaying past conversations in your mind. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you notice that you’re obsessing over small imperfections of the other person or listing out all the reasons why you’re not ready to commit to a relationship, this could be a "deactivating strategy" and can serve to keep connections at arms-length and dismiss the significance of the relationship. A little bit of this and a little bit of that is normal and ok as you’re figuring things out, but when it starts to feel intrusive or constant, take heed. Call it out for what it is, and redirect your attention to your immediate environment. Take care of yourself, and give yourself what you need. Obsessing over these things will not give you more information about whether or not this person is a good partner for you - time and experience will.
3. Pause before you react.
When you’re dating someone new and something seems “off” with the relationship, it can be easy to act from a place of urgency in terms of either seeking reassurance from them that things are ok, or deciding to call it quits to save yourself from the discomfort of uncertainty or vulnerability. Before acting on your impulses, check in with yourself and do what you can to soothe yourself. Consider that you don’t actually need to connect with or ditch them right away - what you really need to do is take care of yourself. Over time, you'll learn to trust your ability to tolerate discomfort and soothe yourself. Here are a few ideas on what you can do to press pause and comfort yourself:
Move your body. Do some jumping jacks, take a walk, do a handstand - whatever is accessible to you at the moment. Focus on the physical sensations in your body as you do it.
Call a friend. Someone you trust, and bonus points if they’re funny and can make you laugh.
Lengthen your exhalations. This breathing technique is scientifically proven to help calm your nervous system. I like to practice by breathing in for 4 counts, holding in for 4 counts, exhaling for 8 counts, and holding out for 4 counts. Repeat this at least 3 times.
Distract yourself. Watch your favorite show, or scroll through your favorite feel-good social media account. Again, bonus points if it can make you laugh.
4. Notice your triggers.
Which situations consistently heighten your feelings of anxiety? Are there any behaviors from potential partners that immediately spike your heart rate? What platforms (texting, voice calls, social media) trigger the most anxiety? Journaling about the moments when you feel most distressed and what happened leading up to them might help identify key points. Notice if these situations remind you of something from your past. If exes or past situations continually come to mind, it’s worth exploring the pain that’s lingering and sorting through that in your journal or with a trusted other.
5. Sloooowwwww dowwwwwwn.
It’s common to experience heightened emotions in the initial stages of dating, which can lead to impulsivity to either pursue or withdraw from the relationship before you’ve really been able to gauge compatibility. One way to ease the pressure to figure things out one way or the other is to take your time getting to know this new person. Don’t rush to make things work or change your schedule around for them. It might help to think of them like a new friend and consider how many times a week you could see them without sacrificing any of the other areas of your life. You don’t have to rush to figure out if they’re the right person for you for forever, just take it day by day and see if you enjoy getting to know them while continuing to focus on and care for yourself. Shift the focus away from meeting milestones and towards the quality of your connection with this person in the present.
6. Get a life and keep it.
If you want ease and balance when it comes to dating, then a new dating partner should be a nice add-in to your already full life. Take a minute to assess the areas of your life such as your friendships, family life, home life, self-care routines, hobbies, work, spiritual or religious life, community service, etc. Are you content with how they are now, or are they lacking in any way? If you’re looking for a partner to fill a void in your life, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Romance is just one part of life. And while it can be fulfilling, and maybe even develop into a long-term partnership, it’s not a substitute for any of the above. When you have a full life that you’re excited about, like plans with friends or personal projects to work on, it can relieve some of the pressure that comes with dating and finding a partner. Prioritize your life, and stay committed to it.
7. Embrace conflict.
I know, I know. It’s scary. But facing conflict in relationships can actually be a good thing. No two people are ever going to get along perfectly all the time. If you notice anxious tendencies in yourself, pay attention to dating situations where you feel pulled to neglect your own wants and needs in favor of keeping the relationship peaceful. Notice when you’re avoiding speaking up or saying “no” when you need more time to yourself. Challenge yourself to be more authentic in your communication with your dating partners, even if that means there may be disagreement. This will give you a chance to get to know one another and learn more about how the other person handles conflict. I think it’s a really good idea to know how someone acts when they’re upset before committing to a partnership with them.
6. Practice self-compassion.
If you’re struggling to maintain your composure or feel secure when dating, then give yourself some grace. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, you’re trying to learn new ways of relating to others, it’s a little scary, you’re struggling, and that’s ok. You’re not alone in this, and you deserve the same compassion from yourself that you would give to one of your friends in a similar situation. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has written loads on this - check out this YouTube video and browse her website to learn more.
7. Get support.
Navigating the world of dating on your own can be scary. We can all benefit from the support of friends, family, and a licensed professional at times. Talking it out can help to calm your nervous system, identify your triggers, and understand yourself and your relational needs better. It’s also important that you don’t blame your attachment style for what is really someone else’s negligence, anxiety, or incompatibility. Having a trusted person to listen and be in it with you can help to ground you in reality and navigate the dating world more securely. I enjoy working with clients to navigate dating while deepening their relationship with themselves - building understanding of their own attachment style, communication style and needs in relationship. Schedule a free 15-minute consult with me here to get started.