let’s be friends (as adults)
Let’s be real - making friends as an adult can be challenging, especially after a move. We’re not automatically grouped with classmates in our homeroom or living down the hall from potential new friends in dorms anymore. And while working-from-home comes with plenty of perks, it can make it even harder to connect with people. So how do you get out there and make new friends after moving to a new city? It will require some effort, energy, and a bit of daring - but there are lots of ways to meet new people, regardless of how adventurous you consider yourself to be. Remember that you’re not alone - lots of people are searching for connections and community - we’re social creatures and we need one another.
1. Become a “regular”
At a coffee shop, bar, or bookstore - this is my personal favorite. I still remember the first time a barista at my new go-to coffee shop recognized me and the sense of joy and comfort it filled me with. When you show up somewhere consistently you start to recognize people and they start to recognize you, making it easier to strike up a conversation and feel a sense of belonging throughout your day. This familiarity might be comforting enough on its own, or maybe you decide to translate it to a friendship outside of the regular establishment.
2. Join a club or meet-up group
There are so many meet-up groups! For so many different occasions. There are hiking groups, dance groups, bird-watching groups, Dungeons and Dragons groups - you name it. Whatever you’re interested in, someone else is too, and they want someone to share it with. If you’re nervous about going on your own, keep in mind that the others showing up probably are too.
3. Try out a recreational sport
Whether you’re competitive or just there for fun, having an activity to engage in with new people can help ease social pressure and make it easier to engage with others. Recreational leagues often have a wide variety of options ranging from flag football to volleyball to bowling to cornhole, so there’s something for everyone.
4. Reach out to people you already know for connections
So, your half-cousin Steve has an old buddy from high school in your new city and he’s offered to connect you? Go for it! Grab a coffee and take a walk with this stranger, and you might make a new friend, explore a new neighborhood, and learn about a new restaurant to try from this connection.
5. Volunteer
If you want to build community with like-minded people, volunteering is a great way to go. Choose something that you’re passionate about and you’ll meet new people who feel the same and are dedicated to helping out. You’ll be playing an active part in cultivating the kind of city you want to live in when you take deliberate action. This can be a great way to learn more about the new city you’re a part of and other happenings in the area as well.
6. Find your scene
Reflect on what interests you and seek out ways to engage with it. Are you really into the arts? Join your local museum, frequent local art markets, or sign up for a pottery class. Into sports? Join a fan club for a local team and seek out watch parties for their away games. Whatever it is that you’re into, be into it out loud and in public, and you’ll increase your chances of connecting with others who feel the same way. I’ve met some of my best friends at concerts after striking up conversation about how we discovered the artist we were seeing.
7. Get to know your neighbors
If you want to build community, start where you are, right at home. Get to know the people around you and spend some time with them if you can. Your neighbors may be in different age groups and share very different interests with you, and that’s ok. Find some common ground, swap stories, and maybe swap ingredients or lawn chores when need be. Getting to know my neighbors helped me to feel safe in a new place and we provided each other with much-needed support at times.
8. As much as you can, say yes
When you’re new to a city and looking to make friends, it pays to take advantage of as many opportunities that come your way as you can. It can be draining to be “on” and put yourself out there, but investing energy into your social life early on in your move can help you adjust to your new city and reap big rewards for years to come.
9. Follow up
Once you’ve made a connection with someone new and exchanged numbers or social media handles, take action. Make it a point to follow up with them within a week and set-up another hangout. Maybe you invite them to your new regular spot, or ask them to try out a different meet-up with you. Friendships are formed with intention and effort so don’t shy away from making plans with someone new.
10. Focus on building safety
From a biological perspective, polyvagal theory posits that we must feel safe in our environment and our body before we’re able to be social and receptive to others. If you find yourself having serious difficulties putting yourself out there, it might be time to investigate your safety and your internal sense of security. Working with a professional counselor can help you to determine threats to your safety, whether external or internal, and find ways to navigate them. The environment we’re in has an effect on us, and while I hope you’re feeling great about yourself, and that you moved to a place where you are celebrated and accepted in your community, I know that’s not always the case. If you’re feeling unsafe or unsupported, seek out help in the form of a therapist (hi :)) or support group to build community and spaces where you can relax and feel safe.
There’s no doubt that moves are exciting, stressful, and full of potential. There’s a whole new life waiting for you in your new city, giving you the chance to be intentional about creating the lifestyle you want and the community you crave. I know it can feel risky, but the best way to make new friends is to put yourself out there. You’ve already made the move - keep your momentum going and explore your new city, one “hello” at a time.